Owning Your Shadows
I am racist.
I see color.
I have thought and acted in ways that reinforce racism in America.
It feels extremely uncomfortable to say those things. Yet my discomfort pales to snow white in comparison to having a knee on my neck. Fear of going for a jog. A lack of safety while I sleep at home in my bed.
George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, Philando Castile.
I say their names, I watch the videos, I march in the streets, I donate money, and, most importantly, I make myself uncomfortable through self awareness, honesty and dialogue. Ignoring something does not resolve that thing. It never has, it never will.
This post is not about me, yet it has everything to do with me. If I am racist, it HAS to do with me.
I want to share two things:
a framework from the coaching world that has helped me approach my own racism
a list of resources that I am engaging with, that may also be supportive to you in your work of anti-racism
Shadows
Have you heard of shadow work? This is the portal into deep, radical inner healing and transformation.
My saying, "I am racist", is acknowledging a shadow. Something that I might superficially, in my conscious mind, deny, yet in my subconscious lives and breaths and influences my actions and impact in the world. I care about my impact, I imagine you do as well, and if my shadows influence that then I, we (if you're with me) MUST go there.
What is a "shadow"?
In short, it is the part of ourselves that is not conscious. The part that I/we do not typically identify with, often because it is composed of things we might perceive as negative.
How do we find out what our shadows are?
There are many ways, yet one of the best and most visceral signals are the things that trigger us, the things that we distance ourselves furthest from. For example, with racism, it can be extremely triggering to see or hear someone using a racist slur. It likely triggers hurt inside us because we are witnessing another human being discriminated against, and it also likely causes a deeper, more subtle or unconscious hurt and extreme discomfort in us because we recognize that we also have the potential to think in terms of the same slur, that WE are also capable (or in the past have) caused harm based on the same belief system we are witnessing in action.
Even now you might be thinking,
"Julia, no. It's simply offensive to my sensibility to see anyone discriminated against because I know discrimination is wrong and everyone should be treated equally."
I hear you. And I also need you to know and accept that you are not special. You are not the one person who has grown up in a racist society and escaped without having racist beliefs embedded somewhere in your conscious of unconscious mind.
So, what is the use of recognizing our racist shadow? It allows us to begin to unpack how we reinforce racist systems in our daily lives. It allows us to take ownership or our actions in a way that EMPOWERS us to belief, think and act differently.
If you have ever worked with me 1:1 or in a workshop, you've likely seen me draw or speak about the belief equation. The map that shows us how even our subconscious beliefs and "shadows" impact ALL of our outcomes, or impact, in the world.
If you've forgotten, let's review:
Belief = Thought = Action = Outcome
If we want to change outcomes, we must, individually and collectively go deeper than our actions, or even our thoughts, we must dig way way WAY down into our conscious and subconscious beliefs. Into the places where when we say something out loud, like "I am racist", we get a big knot in our stomachs. That tells you you've gotten to the shadow. It will not be comfortable. Do it anyways.
Own our shadows and we will be able to start making changes at that root level. Start examining our beliefs, looking for evidence to prove or disprove those beliefs, engaging in dialogue and relationship building and personal inquiry to challenge beliefs that we consciously recognize as false or harmful. The point is that superficially saying "I reject this label or belief system" is NOT the same thing as doing the WORK required to overturn them subconsciously as well. I capitalize "work" because it will feel like work. It will take energy, time, will power, and we will need to keep going when things get hard.
For me, the concept of shadow work gives me an approach, a framework and language to address my own racism. It helps me reconcile how I can both be racist and anti-racist, and it opens doors for me to walk through to begin challenging my shadow beliefs.
My hope is that it might do the same for you.
Where to Start:
To read:
Me and White Supremacy, Layla F. Saad
The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness, Michelle Alexander
Sister Outsider, Audre Lorde
To watch:
13th, Ava Duvernay (Netflix)
American Son, Kenny Leon (Netflix)
Dear White People, Justin Simien (Netflix)
To listen:
1619, NYT Podcast
About Race
Code Switch by NPR
To follow:
If any of the above brings up something for you that you want to dialogue about, know that you can always write to me directly at julia@juliastarrcoaching.com. I am available to process what you are seeing, and know that I am deep in the work with you.
I will make mistakes, we will all make mistakes, but human lives and equality are too important to not keep taking steps forward.
